So, it happened: I majorly bombed my second quiz in Adult Med/Surg. And as you can see by the title, I do mean bombed. So frustrating. It's not like I didn't study, trust me. It's just that there is SO!MUCH! content that really all it takes is missing one table, one set of lab values, one slide in powerpoint after powerpoint, or one paragraph amongst the 200+ pages in three different books that are being covered and bam, there's your F. Especially since the quizzes are only 10 questions, there is no wiggle room. And actually, that brings me to this, they are 10 questions and you have 10 minutes. While I understand the "theory" behind this... once we graduate with our bachelor degrees we will take our state boards, the NCLEX, and they allow a minute per question on their test... so they are trying to prepare us. But there is no autonomy to what we are doing yet. It's all just being imputed and programmed - the reflex knowledge that usually comes from experience, repetition, and practice is just not there yet. When I see a drug in a question I have to backtrack and figure out the class and then figure out what it's action is and the therapeutic effects, and hope that triggers the side effects/adverse reactions and then deduce using those to figure out contraindications and precautions in, and forget about normal ranges of doses depending on the route it's given! It's just not like I can look at a drug and see it and pull up this chart in my head with all the info. What's not very encouraging is that I think there are students in my class that can do that - they read a drug, it's info, and it's there ready for filing and eventual retrieval. The teacher lectures about a disease process and it all just clicks; it gets transcribed in cute little curly calligraphy and filed in some kind of elusive and elite filing system that I'm just not privied too. If I want to put new info in my "vault", I have to purge first. I have to struggle to get old, rusted shut, covered in cobwebs and dust filing cabinets open. Cabinets that I lost or intentionally threw the key away to a LONG while ago. I have to toss out piles and stacks before I have room for new stuff. Sadly though, this method, or lack there-of I suppose, is so destructive. My short-term and long-term memory are shot. I'm tossing out my girls' volleyball schedules, promised dates, to-do lists' in the midst of the chaotic purging and then miss out and forget things that are important. And that's only the first half of the equation, then I have to figure how to retrieve this new stuff I'm cramming in. Let me put it this way, you know when you defragment your computer? There are sections of your computers memory that are designated for certain things, and every once in a while you make the effort to clean it up and get it organized so it works faster.... yeah, that's what I'm TRYING to do but not performing so well on thus far.
Oh well, I'll try harder next time and do better. I don't often share the ugliness of my academics with anyone cause really why let what I am blessed to be doing right now lose it's luster? I post big accomplishment and things I'm proud of when I think to, but seldom the gross moments - the more than subpar grades, the exhaustion and tears, the moments when I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt over not being the mother I want to be right now. No need to dwell on that much, just gotta push through it.
So, back to my point... go to college young!! ;)
Don't wait till you're in your 30's raising 5 children on your own.
Don't wait till you will have to choose between reading, "I Love You This Much" to your 2 year old or reading some of the hundreds of pages you haven't gotten around to yet because you fall asleep before the bottom of the first page.
Don't wait till you have to ask your teenager to make sure she changes the laundry and gets her sisters in bed on time cause you won't be home from your clinical rotation in time to tuck them in.
Don't wait till you're so preoccupied with homework that your 9-year-old falls asleep before you remember to go in her room to watch her latest ballet moves she learned at the class you were almost late getting her to because you were in lecture late, even though she asked a dozen times and you said, "In a minute." - you still forgot.
Don't wait till you have to set a 5-minute timer to practice volleyball with your 11-year-old cause all you can think about is needing to get back to playing something that resembles catch up but isn't because catching up isn't even in the realm of possibility.
Don't wait till you have to live off three hours of sleep a night cause there just really aren't enough hours in the day ever.
Don't wait till the worry of failing, and loss of time with my kids nearly overtake the drive toward a more promising future.
Don't wait. Even if you don't think you need it at the time, DO IT! Get a degree to fall back on. Cause although it's possible later in life it's not nearly as glamorous and doesn't come nearly as carefree. And your filing cabinets are vast and just waiting for you to fill them! And you won't have to worry about crying yourself to sleep from the sadness of thinking about what if's and should have's and if only's.
Anyway, we'll get through this. We'll be fine; I'll be fine. Savings accounts in place for college tuition for my girls who will be getting higher level education straight out of HS and even earlier if possible.
Prayers are always welcome. :)
God Bless!!
About Me
- "I am We"
- Red Bluff, CA, United States
- The life of us: a single mother and her 5 resilient, awe-inspiring children. Currently a part-time waitress and full-time nursing student with the simple hopes of retaining my sanity, or at least enough of it, in order to seek employment upon graduating. In the meantime I hope to encourage, love, teach, and in the end release each of my children into the world as independent thinkers, selfless Christians, hard-working contributors, and appreciative life seekers. Herein lies bits of that journey.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
What I Would Tell Myself if I Wasn't Me: Relationships
So my mom and I pass back and forth this pretty honest saying, "Here, take my advice, I'm not using it." We think we're pretty funny sometimes. But it's surprisingly accurate for probably a lot of people. I have friends who come to me for advice, when I'm available, though these days I think most of them have given up on getting a hold of me or me returning their calls (sorry guys!!!)
But I kind of always found myself wondering why they were calling me for input on certain areas in which I felt less than qualified to give feedback on. Like, for instance, relationship advice; after all, not to be Captain Obvious or anything, but I'm single, and both of the only two serious relationships I've ever been in are laying way out on the battlefield, far beyond the sometimes salvageable ditch other people's may land in. Mine are thoroughly mangled, unrecognizable from their better days, covered in hurt, betrayal, misunderstanding, lack of effort, Godlessness, distrust, stubbornness, unforgiveness, and simple differences that were allowed to drive wedges between us. But maybe, just maybe, what makes me qualified to toss my 2-cents into the pot is that from where I stand now, I can clearly see the path that my now derailed relationships took before they spiraled beyond the point of return. I can see the many points of acceleration and turbulence, and I can remember vividly specific situations in which I could have chosen my behavior or my reaction differently, to even the seemingly smallest of subjects, and it would have made a world of difference. I remember letting the sun set on hurt feelings and cold shoulders. I remember planning snide comments just to make what I thought at the time was a necessary point. I remember looking the other way when the lights of a speeding train and an imminent derailment were shinning right in my face. I regret telling myself I didn't care. I regret letting pride and fear and helplessness dictate my actions when I knew what was right, but chose not to demand it of myself. I know now that ignorance is not bliss. Voluntary ignorance is weakness; it's exacerbating the signs and symptoms of an underlying problem because the disease process is being allowed to flourish unaccepted, unchallenged, and untreated.
I have been single more than not in the last 8 years since my divorce. When my friends call me for advice now I jump at the chance to tell them what I wish I would have told myself if I wasn't me back then. Back when I would sit with my girlfriends or my mom and jokingly say, "Here, take my advice, I'm not using it." It was good advise, too, if I do say so myself. Stuff like forgive, let it go, don't hold grudge. Although those probably sound like pretty elementary type advice in the world of relationships, it's the elementary stuff that causes the most damage sometimes. Sure, almost anyone can identify drug addiction, abuse, infidelity and any of those other giant boulders, that if set down in the midst of a relationship would almost surely cause instantaneous self-destruct. But it's those little tiny pebbles that you let lie on the track and when your relationship rolls over it it causes a slight jostle. A small jostle maybe in and of itself, barely noticeable, but soon when it combines with another jostle, maybe from a slightly larger pebble, maybe within a short distance of each other, you'll wonder why the traction of your relationship on the path of success is not as secure. It'll seem like it came out of the blue but when you look back you'll be able to see those small miniscule tilts and then you'll remember, and regret, putting that tiny pebble on the track.
Now, I'm not saying in my relationships that I could have solely been responsible for saving them, nor that I was solely responsible for running them into the ditch, through the ditch, and then right on out into the field farther than necessary. I am just saying I wish I would have held myself to a higher standard, so that fail or not I knew I had done the right thing. I knew I had loved and served and humbled myself like Jesus tells us to. I knew that I had practiced patience and gentleness; that I spoke in kindness and showed self-control when I was hurting; that I always strived to be a source of joy and hope and unconditional love.
If and when I am in a relationship again, I will never be able to say to someone, "Here, take my advice, I'm not using it." Cause I will use it this time. I will share it too, of course. But at least this time, my advice will have been tried and true, and NOT based on experiencing what doesn't work.
Sometimes I hear friends/family talk about their relationships and I watch them place pebbles on their tracks. I pray for them, that they would feel led to remove it as quickly as they put it there. I don't sit around wishing I had someone here, but I do notice the loneliness on the occasion when things slow down long enough. And I would say this to anyone reading this who is dealing with a relationship pebble right now: Throw it out! Chuck it into the ditch. If you need to talk about it first, talk about it. If you need your other half to acknowledge your feelings before you can get rid of them, then express your feelings. Just remember though, expressing your feelings does not require the receiver to agree or to fix it, it just means you don't own those anymore. Those feelings are not yours to pack around and allow to fester and grow and turn into a pebble that you willingly place in your way. Because, in the words of Sid, it's not fun being a lone, lonely, loner cause that's a lot of alone! And what's worse than that is the feeling of responsibility if there ever comes a day when you have to look back and you see pebbles with your fingerprints all over them...
But I kind of always found myself wondering why they were calling me for input on certain areas in which I felt less than qualified to give feedback on. Like, for instance, relationship advice; after all, not to be Captain Obvious or anything, but I'm single, and both of the only two serious relationships I've ever been in are laying way out on the battlefield, far beyond the sometimes salvageable ditch other people's may land in. Mine are thoroughly mangled, unrecognizable from their better days, covered in hurt, betrayal, misunderstanding, lack of effort, Godlessness, distrust, stubbornness, unforgiveness, and simple differences that were allowed to drive wedges between us. But maybe, just maybe, what makes me qualified to toss my 2-cents into the pot is that from where I stand now, I can clearly see the path that my now derailed relationships took before they spiraled beyond the point of return. I can see the many points of acceleration and turbulence, and I can remember vividly specific situations in which I could have chosen my behavior or my reaction differently, to even the seemingly smallest of subjects, and it would have made a world of difference. I remember letting the sun set on hurt feelings and cold shoulders. I remember planning snide comments just to make what I thought at the time was a necessary point. I remember looking the other way when the lights of a speeding train and an imminent derailment were shinning right in my face. I regret telling myself I didn't care. I regret letting pride and fear and helplessness dictate my actions when I knew what was right, but chose not to demand it of myself. I know now that ignorance is not bliss. Voluntary ignorance is weakness; it's exacerbating the signs and symptoms of an underlying problem because the disease process is being allowed to flourish unaccepted, unchallenged, and untreated.
I have been single more than not in the last 8 years since my divorce. When my friends call me for advice now I jump at the chance to tell them what I wish I would have told myself if I wasn't me back then. Back when I would sit with my girlfriends or my mom and jokingly say, "Here, take my advice, I'm not using it." It was good advise, too, if I do say so myself. Stuff like forgive, let it go, don't hold grudge. Although those probably sound like pretty elementary type advice in the world of relationships, it's the elementary stuff that causes the most damage sometimes. Sure, almost anyone can identify drug addiction, abuse, infidelity and any of those other giant boulders, that if set down in the midst of a relationship would almost surely cause instantaneous self-destruct. But it's those little tiny pebbles that you let lie on the track and when your relationship rolls over it it causes a slight jostle. A small jostle maybe in and of itself, barely noticeable, but soon when it combines with another jostle, maybe from a slightly larger pebble, maybe within a short distance of each other, you'll wonder why the traction of your relationship on the path of success is not as secure. It'll seem like it came out of the blue but when you look back you'll be able to see those small miniscule tilts and then you'll remember, and regret, putting that tiny pebble on the track.
Now, I'm not saying in my relationships that I could have solely been responsible for saving them, nor that I was solely responsible for running them into the ditch, through the ditch, and then right on out into the field farther than necessary. I am just saying I wish I would have held myself to a higher standard, so that fail or not I knew I had done the right thing. I knew I had loved and served and humbled myself like Jesus tells us to. I knew that I had practiced patience and gentleness; that I spoke in kindness and showed self-control when I was hurting; that I always strived to be a source of joy and hope and unconditional love.
If and when I am in a relationship again, I will never be able to say to someone, "Here, take my advice, I'm not using it." Cause I will use it this time. I will share it too, of course. But at least this time, my advice will have been tried and true, and NOT based on experiencing what doesn't work.
Sometimes I hear friends/family talk about their relationships and I watch them place pebbles on their tracks. I pray for them, that they would feel led to remove it as quickly as they put it there. I don't sit around wishing I had someone here, but I do notice the loneliness on the occasion when things slow down long enough. And I would say this to anyone reading this who is dealing with a relationship pebble right now: Throw it out! Chuck it into the ditch. If you need to talk about it first, talk about it. If you need your other half to acknowledge your feelings before you can get rid of them, then express your feelings. Just remember though, expressing your feelings does not require the receiver to agree or to fix it, it just means you don't own those anymore. Those feelings are not yours to pack around and allow to fester and grow and turn into a pebble that you willingly place in your way. Because, in the words of Sid, it's not fun being a lone, lonely, loner cause that's a lot of alone! And what's worse than that is the feeling of responsibility if there ever comes a day when you have to look back and you see pebbles with your fingerprints all over them...
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