I went to mediation on Friday with Mike. He's taking me back to court for custody, visitation, and child support amendments to what's been court ordered for 3 1/2 years now - 100% legal and physical custody to me with supervised visitation for him. Ever since Mike beat me up in front of the kids at the beginning of October we hadn't heard a word from him, not even from his family... not even for Thanksgiving. I was relieved. Things were going well. The kids had adjusted quickly, as this is about the 6th time Mike has practically dropped off the face of the Earth, and were okay with his absence. Needless to say they had wondered what he was up to and why he hadn't called, but they are smart enough kids to know that the way Mike had been acting was not something they wanted to be around.
For a Thanksgiving project Lacey was supposed to write down seven things she was thankful for. The first one read, "I am thankful for my family. (NOT my dad)". Yep. She was suppose to write a family book describing the things she was thankful about for each member of the family, she opted to leave Mike out. My brother, Tony, took Lacey and Savannah to their very first Father/Daughter dance. Dion asked me last month if I had a photo of her dad for her to look at because she couldn't remember what he looked like. I already blogged previously of Savannah's request for a dad for Christmas. Shane's torn between being angry and hurt and and being Mike's most loyal offspring, which is to be expected. He's the only boy. He's stuck in a home with four unreasonable, more often than not emotional, girly girls. Even our dog is a girl he's points out.
I don't doubt that Mike loves and misses his kids. And despite the kids having been through this enough times that they've stopped asking when will they see him next - I know they love and miss him as well. It's an amazing thing called unconditional love that most children possess for their parents (at least until their teenage years so I hear). I have always hoped and prayed that Mike would be capable of getting his life together and being involved with his kids. They deserve a dad. However, if he were capable of it I highly doubt we'd even been in this position, so at minimal I think I'm allowed to be skeptical of the prospect of him being there for the kids on a healthy level consistently. So when I got served the court papers I was floored to say the least. This man who hadn't even bothered to pick up the phone in over three months had it in him to get an attorney and drag this into court. And it's not even because I wouldn't let him see the kids... he'd HAVE TO ASK OR MAKE AN EFFORT to see the kids in order for me to tell him no even if I wanted to.
Anyway, I digress... here's where I start crying uncontrollably. Beginning on Tuesday, January 6th, Mike will get the kids the first three weekends of every month and every Tuesday night. So Friday night he picks them up from my house at 6:00 p.m. and I pick them up from his house Sunday at 6:00 p.m. and then every Tuesday he picks them up from school and keeps them overnight and drops them back off at school on Wednesday. So I will be going from having my kids 24/7 to having them only for a few hours Sunday night, Monday after school, then not till Wednesday after school, Thursday night, and then a couple hours Friday. Is this not ludicrous!?!??! Am I the only one baffled by this arrangement? How can he go from NOTHING to ALL of this time?? We left the court house and I told the kids, just briefly, the schedule and Lacey started crying. She told me to take her back to the court house so she could tell the mediator that she doesn't want to go with him that much. I am... my kids. I am 'mom'. I don't date. Most of my friends have kids and we do stuff with them. I plan my schooling around the kids so I am away from them as minimally as possible. So although you may be sitting there wondering why I seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill... I'm not. This is more than a mountain.
I know people do this everyday. But we're not them, we're us. And whether or not I survive this remains to be seen. I do know one thing, if I survive this loneliness and fear for the well being of my kids.. it will be only be by the grace of God and His strength that I do so. Cause I want to retreat under my rock at just the thought of this arrangement, let alone once it begins.
And I thought that it was the end of my world when I started working last year.
Pray for us.
~me
1 comment:
Hang in there... I'm here for you and know what your going through. Love Ya!
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