I miss them.

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness." ~ Honore' de Balzac

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life." ~ Sophocles

Hi. I have been meaning to write a blog for the last week now since finding out I got a job. I know it's probably going to be a big surprise to a lot of you, as it was me, because I know I wasn't looking or planning on employment, right. School is still going to be a priority. I will continue on in it but taking fewer units, meaning fewer scholarships and less financial aid, meaning another source of income would be a good idea. This last semester was a big learning experience. 10 years ago and a few kids less and sure... 14 units would be a breeze. But it's really unreasonable for me to think I could do it... or at least do it and do it well... with all the different directions I am going. That is really hard for me to admit to be honest.

So, I would love to tell you about my job as I am really excited about it. It's a blessing, really... considering the circumstances I am very thankful. But I don't feel like talking about it right now. :( Because at the moment I am forcing myself to think positively about the job. Because no matter how many things are wonderful about it... no matter how ideal or a God-send this job is, it takes me from my kids - bottom line. The pros could be 10 pages long and you put missing my kids, more specifically Dion since I can be off in time to get the older kids from school, on the con list and game over. She's my other half. The last three/four years have not been the most pleasant for us, and I'm sitting here crying because I think I am coming to a realization in this very moment through the experiences of this last week, and I think I have put a big burden on my children.

They are my life. They define me. I am nothing and no one if I am not their mother. Is that wrong?

And now I go take them to all of their places in the morning and I go to work and I sit at my desk (actually I'll describe the job to you later as that is not really an accurate description of what I do) and I think to myself, "What now. What is this? Who am I?". I mean, sure I've been away from them here and there before. But fortunately, thanks to technology, I've been able to attend school the last couple years via internet courses and night classes without having to leave them much. And you know what's weird is that even if I were home and the older three were away at school I would still be feeling like I was being their mother; I would be making their beds, washing their stinky socks, stubbing my toe on their toys, cleaning up toast crumbs that were all over the kitchen from breakfast. I'd be cleaning out their hamsters cage that they just HAD to have. And now I don't do that. My house sits here empty and quiet all day and I don't like it. Today was Dion's first day at a new babysitters. I dropped her off and ruined my makeup on the way to work crying about it. She was fine about it. I had to tickle a kiss and squeeze out of her because she was so excited about going. It's a young girl from our church, about 15 I think, who actually taught Dion's Sunday school class for a while. Her name is Jordan and her parents are the Youth Ministry Leaders at Calvary Chapel. I KNOW she is a great girl and her whole family adores my kids so I can't even begin to tell you how much I have thanked God that she is available to watch Dion for me. I did have a laugh when I picked her up today and she told me about her morning. :) Remind me to tell you about it later when my screen isn't so blurry from tears. It has to do with a "phat fuffy tat". lol.

Anyway, grrrr... I guess, like everything else in life, this will be an adjustment and it will take time and we are us so we will make it through and be just fine. Right? You know... this brings me onto another topic I probably shouldn't talk about when I am in this state. But oh well. Mike. I try not to be bitter or talk badly about him. We all have our demons - this, I know. And I will always care about him and his well being. But really, it's moments like these when my heart hurts for my children and all I want is what's best for them and I can't give it to them. I can't because he is selfish and he screwed it all up. Everyone knows how long and hard I tried to save our family. And most importantly... I finally know. I finally realize that I really did do EVERYTHING in my power to salvage the family and the life that I had built and that I had wanted to last forever. And when it shattered into a million pieces I thought I'd never be able to put it back together... but we have and the kids and I are better for it. And I know that if ever God sends a man and a father into our lives he will absolutely be the most appreciated and cherished person to walk this Earth. Should it never happen... we are still okay.

Anyway, that was way off track. The point is... I miss Dion. I miss feeling like a good Mother and homemaker. But it's only been 4 days, it's bound to get easier. But is that such a good thing? I don't want it to get easier. I mean, I do... but I don't. Grrr... I just mean, I don't want to be okay with not being everything my children need - after all, I'm all they have. Hopefully you know what I mean.

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see." ~ John W. Whitehead. What will that message be? When my children are grown what will they say about the kind of Mother I was? Was I too busy at work to volunteer in their class like everyone else's mother did? Did we eat take-out too much cause I was too tired to cook? Did they have to wear the same pants two days in a row because I forgot to do laundry? Did I not open my mind to the possibility of finding a responsible man to be a good influence in their lives?

Does every single mom go through this? Just in case they do... I will pray for them, everyday. I will pray their hearts don't hurt as much as mine right now and that they will find the strength to get up and go another day no matter what.

I'll be back soon with a much more pleasant blog. :) God Bless! ~me~