And so it begins again...

Yesterday was not a good day.

Today is not either.

The kids begin visits with their dad again today. I dropped them off at school this morning with the knowledge that their drug-addicted, abusive, selfish father would be picking them up. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I did what I could to prevent this from happening. They haven't seen him in well over a month... or even talked to him. And they were doing great!! Things couldn't have been going better. Their behavior, their attitudes, their school work... all vastly improved from months ago. They were happy. They felt safe. And last night I had to break the news to them that all those promises I made to them in the middle of the night when they couldn't sleep and came to me sobbing to please not make them go back to visit their dad... that I couldn't keep those promises. I would never wish the feeling of not being able to protect your babies on anyone - it's got to be one of the hardest pills to swallow ever. And I think I'm choking on my pill.

As far as the technicalities of the situation are concerned... I'll make it simple for you. We got a shitty judge. He was sitting in for the judge who usually hears our case. The judge that usually hears our case is the one that denied Mike's ridiculous request for 100% physical custody, and is the one that knows how many times Mike has tested dirty, and would have never let Mike's pompous, bow-tie-wearing, asshole of a lawyer pull the shit he pulled in court yesterday. So that's where that lies.

At any rate, I will be spending tonight by myself. As I will for the next three weekends and every single Tuesday while the kids are at visits. Until court on the 29th where I will try again.

Until then...