A Painful Father's Day

I hesitated to write this. I have a lot of raw emotions on this day; and for those who know me (or know any female for that matter) raw emotion + blogging = scarred for life! But I think I've had a lot of years to think about how I feel about Father's Day as it pertains to my older children's dad - although, when I realize how long it's been since he's been a good dad it is disheartening to accept that my emotions are still so raw. I do know Mike is not himself. I know the drugs, the lifestyle, and the demons that reside within him cause him excruciating pain. I know the statistics on meth and the possibility of recovery, or lack thereof. I also know that our Father in Heaven is a powerful, powerful God - and if only Mike would just reach out to him. If he would just only see what he is doing and how each day that goes by is tragically wasted. And that the continued pain that he is causing our children is constantly chipping away at their self-worth, at their level of trust, and at their hope... and my biggest fear is that those surely millions of chipped away pieces from the last 7 years of their lives with be the sum of a life long battle with establishing and maintaining healthy relationships and healthy boundaries, and an inability to trust... anyone. I feel like if only I could just love them that much more. If only I could make sure that they grow up knowing that no matter what and no matter when - that I will be there, no matter. I think I might be failing...

I go back and forth between wishing Mike would stay gone and begging for God to pull him out of his pit. But most of all, more than either one of those things... I wish whatever he decided to do he would just do. He would make up his mind and get well or get gone. Coming and going, I think, it why I still have such raw emotions - it's why the kids are still hurting daily. It's been 6 months next week since the kids saw him (except for the two times we attempted to get their belongings from his house). And this time that he's been gone is the 5th time in 7 years that he's left, once even for over year we didn't hear from him. My kids attempt to heal. I attempt to heal. I answer the sometimes nightly questions, "When is dad going to call?", "Can we call dad?", "Where is dad?". More often than not I don't have the answers. And we pray - for him, and for us, and for strength. And then one day, for whatever reason, he returns. And this fragile little beautiful soul that lies within each of my children is once again shattered. All the bits that we have so carefully and painstakingly tried to piece back together in the days or weeks or months that he was gone are once again laying in piles - some now missing altogether. I don't even think Mike notices. I don't even think he has truly sat down and noticed the pain and the confusion in their eyes that I see EVERY DAY. And that is so selfish of him, and I am angry at him for that... and I hate him for that.

I have tried to explain to him that one day when his kids are old enough and he tries to come back, they won't let him. They'll know. They'll remember how it felt. And there won't be enough trust for them to scrape from the bottom of the barrel in order for them to let him back in. And he'll be sorry. And just like the boy who cried wolf, he might then actually be sincere, but it won't matter - they'll be done.

The kids didn't ask about Mike today, on Father's Day - not a word. I asked them if they wanted to try to call. Only one said yes, and that's because Lacey is a better Christian than me and she forgives him, not that he's asked but she does anyways. Don't get me wrong, there are days when she refuses to even acknowledge she has a dad, but because her big heart was concerned with how he was feeling on Father's Day she was willing to make the sacrifice. I called, no answer, left a voicemail, never heard back. They signed a thank-you card for Rory for all that he's done but didn't wish him Happy Father's Day in person, cause well - he's Abby's dad and they know that.

The fact that they had no father to go to breakfast with today and no dad to wish Happy Father's Day to makes me feel like I've failed them. The most essential necessity next to me is missing and I can't fix it - and I'm not sure I will ever recover from this feeling...

PLEASE NOTE**** For the believers who will gently remind me that there is a God in Heaven who wants to fill that void, I know. And thank-you. And I am trying; it is a constant struggle, but I do try. Please pray.

 Thankful for Abby's Daddy who

loves her to pieces.