What a wreck I am as I sit here to write this. It was going to be this upbeat, excited, beaming post about how this morning went and how great my kids are. Yet I can't stop the tears long enough to see the screen. It's partially cause I just uploaded photos, partially cause when I went to type this I also read the last post I had written about Father's Day, and partially cause I am emotionally drained about other things going on in my life that the smallest thing starts this fountain of ridiculous tears that are constantly messing up my make-up.
I came across this poster this morning:
I wish I had this blown up, framed, and posted on a wall in my home. This is so me. This is so my home.
I try to remind myself that although at this point I can't offer my kids a lot of material things, I would go to the moon and back to make sure they have what they need. Thankfully we have amazing family that helps. Uncle Justin took them shopping for school supplies yesterday, which was amazing. (Thank you!!) And they got new shoes from Grammie, which was awesome. (Thank-you!!!) And Shane doesn't have to use his football pants belt to hold his jeans up since he lost 25 lbs cause Grammie got him a new belt in the nick of time. (Shane thanks you!! lol) And yay for hand-me-downs from the Newman family. (Thank-you Chelsey and Alyssa!) Does it make me feel bad that I couldn't take them school clothes shopping - uhhhh, yeah. Is that the end of the world? No. They didn't complain. They never do. That's what's so amazing about them. And what makes me sob like someone who just lost their best friend. My only saving grace are things like that poem that I found up there... I pray that when they are older they don't look back and realize what they didn't have, but instead remembered that one morning on their first day back to school that I got up early to make them pancakes with fresh strawberries, and scrambled eggs... that they barely ate cause they were all so nervous, but so considerately offered to save their plates for after school since they knew I went thru the effort of cooking them breakfast.
They all can't stand not being home all day to love on Abigail. And I'm sure when she wakes up from her morning nap she will look around for them to come running or jump out from behind things and make her laugh like they all do every time she wakes up and we come walking down the hallway.
This morning Shane said it seems like this is the longest they have gone without seeing Mike, even though he knows it's not, because Shane realizes how many things Mike is missing out on at this time in their lives. He's been gone for over a year before, this time it's been 8 months since they've heard from him. Shane wishes Mike could see how hard he is working at football. He's covered in bruises now that he got his pads and has lost another couple pounds in the last week. My "good job, Son!!" means a lot to him, but probably pales in comparison to how much it would mean coming from a dad. The girls already wonder who is going to take them to their father-daughter dance this year.
Despite not having their dad around, despite having recently lost Rory, even in the same clothes as last year - they all piled out of the car this morning, after a quick prayer for good choices, with smiles on their faces ready to "Do This!!" as they put it. Ready to make friends with someone new who looks like they might need a friend, ready to meet their teachers and work hard, and ready to come home to tell me all about it.... and I'll be right here with Abigail, waiting to hear.
p.s. ~ Despite the seemingly depressing tone of this note I feel super blessed this morning. I didn't mean for this post to be a sob story or a pity party. It is our life, a part of it I don't talk much about because it stirs up mixed emotions of failure and hopelessness, a part I know the kids feel and notice but rise above. I can only sit back in amazement at their resiliency and try to be more like them.
"My Cup Overflows!!!"
No comments:
Post a Comment