Collectivism: The New Black

So nursing school homework is back in full swing.  I am excited to be learning again, believe it or not.  I am dreading leaving summer; but, I am excited to be returning to moving in the direction of which I see the shimmer of light that is my degree, however tiny. I am fascinated by the way God designed our bodies and feel beyond privileged to be able to eventually be a part of helping to love and care for His masterpieces.

As part of one of our summer reading assignments, we were to read Chapter 1 in a book by Larry D. Purnell entitled, "Transcultural Health Care: A Culturally Competent Approach". Now picture this: lounging on the couch in my "fat" clothes (you know what those are: we all have them), past midnight (I am a night owl, and an early riser... not enough hours, not enough), clean house (have I mentioned my kids are amazing?), sleeping babies (looooving back to school bedtime!!), having worked that day so feeling good about adding to the much-needed paycheck (every dollar counts, right?), and thrilled to be working toward getting some check-marks next to my homework assignments (so what if I got the assignments in the mail a month ago... I would have forgotten everything by the time school started if I started that early (that's what I am telling myself anyhow)).  So now the picture is set. Then I read this on page 7:

"For example, the dominant U.S. culture places high value on youth, technology, and money."

 I should have warned you not to have any food or water in your mouth.  Cause you SHOULD have spit it all over your monitor after that sentence.  It gets worse. Want to know what this statement was an example of?  Ethnocentrism. Are you in tears now?

It is that glaringly obvious that our once proud country's focus has become about staying/looking young, having the best gadgets and the most money, so much so that they teach it as a fact without so much as a stutter? Did I already say it gets worse? Well then, it gets worser. Same paragraph:

"The extent to which one's cultural values are internalized influences the tendency toward ethnocentrism. The more one's values are internalized, the more difficult it is to avoid the tendency toward ethnocentrism."

Basically, stop sweeping this sad fact under the rug.  Stop thinking just because we don't talk about it it's going to go away, cause it's not... according to that paragraph it will only get worse because it will be so internalized that feeling superior based on that yardstick will become autonomous; it will be natural. Naturally and internally feeling superior to other people based on one's ability to appear young in addition to their accumulation of electronics and money. I'm sorry, say again?!?! This is what we've been reduced to? This is the description that countless people are reading by which they are measuring our culture.

But there is hope. Fast forward to page 9, 1st top right paragraph, right after America is referred to as a individualistic country:

"Moreover, individualism and collectivism fall along a continuum, and some people from an individualistic culture will, to some degree, align themselves toward the collectivist end of the sale. Some people from a collectivist culture will, to some degree, hold values along the individualistic end of the scale."

Now let me set the record straight: I don't think he's wrong.  I think, sadly, this is an accurate portrait of what a typical American looks like.  Ironically though, that goes against his information on generalizations of worldviews.  Don't let us be correctly stereotyped as aforementioned.

Choose to create a collective culture out of America. Let's desire, behave, and choose our way into a culture that collectively looks out for each other and strives to value family, trustworthiness, hard work, sacrifice, and kindness.  Lift up your rugs, do a little housekeeping, and pick today to start allowing this new set of values to be public so that we might serve as an encouragement to other to be/do the same. Better late than never, I always say.  ;)

"Thou arst forbidden to converst in the manner of which mighteth be hateful."

So my girls have been entering this stage of decreased patience with one another, decreased as in the negative numbers now.  And not only do they snip at each other, they do so in a tone that would send a grown man to his room crying.  Now I used to teach them they could say what they felt they needed to or wanted to as long as they said it nicely or in an acceptable tone, cause that's what I was taught.  But having three girls all close by in age and entering uberty-pay has forced me to rethink this golden rule. 

Here is the new rule:

You may NOT say anything you want or need to as long as you say it nicely, cause things people think in the midst of emotions are not always worth saying.  Even if you think you mean them, doesn't make you correct and doesn't give you the right to force that feeling/thought onto someone else just because you said it all coated in sugar and sprinkled with glitter. 

So the other night Lacey and Dion were having a little spat somewhere about something (you're lucky I remembered to put clothes on today; the specifics of this event are likely nowhere to be found in my brain matter anywhere).  I don't remember hearing what they were saying, I just remember hearing it come out of their mouths like daggers... I could imagine the spit that was likely flying.  So I told them to sit down and write, 50 times each.  Dion had to write, "I will not talk meanly." And Lacey had to write, "I will not talk hatefully." They turned their papers in to me sometime later and upon review here is what Lacey had taken the initiative to include in the last few sentences of hers:

"Thou shalt not talk in the English language in a hateful manner."
"Thou shalt not talk in any language in a hateful manner."

and my favorite,

"Thou arst forbidden to converst in the manner of which mighteth be hateful."

We discussed my expectations for their exchanges, and they explained they understood and would work on it. 

Emotions are a tricky thing to handle, they're even trickier when they are provoked by hormones.  I assure you, a person who holds their tongue and keeps from saying hurtful things in the midst of emotions does not EVER regret not saying them. They can always consider saying them later at a more objective time and in a hopefully constructive manner if they really feel it's their place to share.  However, the people who are quick to speak mean things, no matter if it's the truth or not or if they use the nicest tone ever, don't ever get to take them back and more often than not wish they could.  Don't make me make you write sentences!! ;)

Parenting: The Four-Lettered Word One

Parenting: it's a four-letter word sometimes.  Loooooove being a parent!  Let's establish that first and foremost.  Wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I love it so much I would loooooove to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom still.  But regardless of my fondness for my precious children, parenting is hard work!! It's definitely rewarding, but difficult, confusing and painful at times, and the biggest pill to swallow is that you only get one shot at it.

I took a Love and Logic parenting class once, loved it!  Huge help!  Didn't agree with all of it so, like most things, took what was applicable and what worked for our family and did my best to incorporate it into my attempts at being a better parent.  Now, let me establish this as well before I go on too much longer:  I have amazing kids!  They are hard working and thoughtful and loving.  They are successful in school and have great friends. They are considerate of other people and are quick to go out of their way or make sacrifices for the benefit of someone else, even if it's a total stranger.  I have an inkling God knew I was gonna need a great set of kids in their default state, cause I was gonna need all the help I could get!

So in all my attempts to better myself as a parent I have found the consensus to be that one of the biggest keys to parenting success is consistency.  Consistency with disciple and love, rules and privileges, schedules, and most of all consequences.  My biggest struggle with parenting has always been consistency.  Go figure, right.  I am a talker, my kids are naturally also talkers, and now that they are older (well even Abby, and she's only two!) they could, as my mom calls it when I do it, talk their way out of a wet paper bag. And I more often than not find myself changing my mind.  I changed my mind with Shane a lot, too.  Now I am not terribly irrational or hot headed, I like to think that I usually have a good reason for whatever my answer is to whatever the question is.  I also don't claim to always be right, so when the need arises for me to admit I made a mistake and to make a different but better decision in my parenting, I am not above doing that.  But here is the problem with extremely intelligent, articulate kids - they can sometimes pull one over on you. And with my increased daily load occurring right around their preteen years, the kids have been able to figure out times, reasons, and strategies for getting the answer they want.

At any rate, I have always done this thing with the kids when I have given them my answer and I'm done discussing it.  I would give my answer and when they would try to speak I would calmly say, "Okay, Mom".  This was their cue and their chance to repeat it back to me.  I would say, "Okay, Mom." only twice and then there would be a consequence if they kept arguing/talking back.  However, despite my best intentions, it was not a fool proof process.  I think they felt not heard.  I think, although I felt I had listened and considered both sides, that this thing we did was a bit of a dictatorship instead of a relationship.  That was never my intention, of course.  I just wanted to be done discussing it and this was my way of telling them I wasn't going to change my mind. 

So there was a table tonight, the last table of my night.  Five gentlemen, dirty, obviously hard working men, coming in to eat dinner just before closing. Three older guys and two younger guys.  Nice, ordered only non-alcoholic beverages, talking ranching and farming and such. One of the older guys ordered his burger without a bun and a salad instead of fries and no croutons on his salad.  This started the discussion of a gluten-free diet as he had celiac disease. This led to one of the other gentlemen asking if I had kids, cause I should be on the look-out for signs and symptoms.  When I mentioned I had five kids they all practically spit out their food.  They agreed they didn't think I looked old enough to have five kids, then they heard how old Shane was and started to seriously doubt me. I reassured them and told them their food was on the house for being so flattering!!  I didn't do that!  I need this job after all.  ;)  The rest of the evening went well.  They were the last customers in the place and everyone was cleaning up.  When I saw them get up to leave I met them at the door to wish them a nice evening and see them out.  One of the guys approached me and said this, the best tip of my entire waitressing career:

"I am sure you are doing a great job at parenting. You seem like a good, hard-working woman to be working your way through school as a single mother of five. But if you don't mind I'd like to give you a bit of a advice and I hope you find it useful.  I am a teacher at the college and if there is one thing you should remember it's to always stick to your word, don't go back on it, and be consistent in doing that.  If they want to discuss something that you've already made a decision on, you say one or all of these three things: "Unless you have new information, I've made my decision." "Nevertheless, my decision still stands." or, "I appreciate your feedback, but this conversation is over now."

Boy did that hit home!! I thanked him immensely and explained to him that that is one area I need to work on as I find myself caving in after only one or two "But, Moooom......"'s.  And caving in is a lot easier to do when you really have no reinforcement around to notice the trend and to bring it to your attention. And I want consistency for my children. I want them to feel secure and know what to expect when it comes to me meaning what I say and saying what I mean.  It shouldn't matter if I am tired or have a migraine, or if they ask me a question when I'm reading one of my texts books and I mumble hmmm and they conveniently interpret that as mmmhmmm and I won't have remembered (naturally), or if they ask me when I'm in a good mood or not - they should always be prepared to accept my answer because hopefully I will have displayed a consistent example of fair and open communication and when I give an answer they can rest assured I mean what I say.

So there's my goal for tomorrow in my continuing efforts at being a better parent.... and I mean it.  ;)

But What If I'm Wrong?

***The following may sound like this post is going to go somewhere.  Please don't be fooled.  I'm not much of a self-help adviser, I don't really have the qualifications (just ask my critics).  I have yet to figure out how to manage all my "Life Helpers" who are always on stand-by with their magnifying glass and tweezers to lovingly pull the shards of wood out of my eye - I surely am in no position to recommend ways on how you can manage yours.  Also, I assure you, this is not about any one person or one situation in particular - that's why everything is generalized and in plural form.

I am starting to get the feeling that I may have more than my fair share of critics.  Are any of you missing yours or running low?  Or do you wonder if the population of your peanut gallery is also a bit on the excessive side?  Maybe we all do, and my list of people willing to fill that job description is no longer than yours?  Or maybe it's cause I've made an abundance of mistakes and am blessed with an abundance of concerned people who always know what I should have done and who are gracious enough to call me out? Or maybe, it's because I have had, regardless of fault, to make a LOT of very difficult decisions in my life and you just simply can't please everyone all of the time?  Whatever the reason is for it, I know this... they're not going to win.  Their combined efforts, no matter how well-intentioned or malicious, are not going to reduce me into this pile of disposed of rubble that's been broken into pieces by heartache, loss, and feelings of inadequacy...

But what if I'm wrong?

What if at any moment the next accusation or insult that gets hurled at me is the proverbial straw?  What if I really am no better than that pile of rubble and I am fighting a losing battle trying to avoid becoming it? What if I really am a bad mom for not letting my girls see their dad due to what I feel is my obligation to protect them from the drug addiction that defines his reality, and whether or not he is as high now as he was 8 years ago when I left is irrelevant to the fact that his way of thinking and his chemically imbalanced mind have already been damaged?  What if I am selfish to be returning to school and essentially forcing my kids to raise themselves and to run a home that their mom should be running?  What if I should have 2 full-time jobs so that when I am home I am home, instead of attempting to get a degree that prevents even my mind from taking a break let alone my schedule and a degree that I should have gotten 16 years ago at that? What if my decision to allow my 15 1/2 year old son -my only baby boy, my first born, my best buddy- leave home was careless and the easy way out?  What if he wanted to leave not because he wanted to pursue his dad and was willing to do so at all costs, but rather because life with me is so difficult and I failed him as his mother and only parent? What if in my attempts to not drown in the constant downpour of feelings of hopelessness and discouragement and failure that I really am not being observant of the people around me and I do come across as selfish and unappreciative?  What if I am still single not because I don't make an effort, but because I'm damaged with too much baggage and people consider being with me a burden?  What if the way I see things and therefore the way I make choices is all delusional because I've convinced myself things are a certain way, but they're not?  What if the struggles I have faced that I have chalked up to Satan trying to stir up lies in order to trip me up is not Satan at all, but merely the reality and consequences of the poor choices I've made?  What if the truth I thought I was trying to listen to was really actually the lies? What if the one chance I get at living my life and raising my kids and serving my God is going to waste because I'm so wrong?

I have never once thought I had all the answers; in fact, I am more often than not the one to be the first to admit I could have done things differently and subsequently better.  But that's the benefit of hindsight, right?  That's why it's called hindsight though. If foresight, however, was 20/20 then the task of making the best decisions would be much less of a difficult one.

But I do the best I know how.


I was told once that just because someone says something doesn't make them right, and it doesn't make what they said the truth.  And I believe that.  I felt that bit of advice was a nugget of gold in the giant vault of advice I am given and have tried to remind myself of it often.  But what if they were wrong?  So then now I'm wrong... again?

The peanut gallery strikes again.

I wonder what the criteria is for being included in "HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors"? I was going to make a huffing paint joke here but I thought better of it, not because I am worried about their feelings, but rather because that made me think of a serious encounter I had the other day; while in Wal-Mart there was a young guy in front of me buying spray paint.  I was torn between taking the can of spray paint and knocking him out with it, and making googly eyes at the cash register clerk in an effort to say, "What the heck?!?! Are you blind?!?  Are you REALLY going to ignore the spray paint all over his hands and nose and sell him his next fix?!?!?"  I did the later, it didn't work, she sold it to him without a word.  I digress.

Did any of you catch the article, actually it started out as an article but then made the news and morning talk shows, titled, "I Regret Being A Stay-At-Home Mom"?  Here is the link if you'd like to lose your breakfast: Why I Regret Being a Stay at Home Mom

Now, I have pipped in before when I've heard stories that rub me the wrong way, so this won't be the first time I've shared my humble opinion with you all.  There was another story a couple years ago where they started offering a college degree to women in homemaking and some women seemed to feel as if that option was setting the equal rights fight for women back 50 years. If you're not speed reading through this and never heard about that bit of news and want to check that (My View From the Peanut Gallery) out feel free, it kind of sets the tone for my response to this sad story.

Occasionally I come across stories and despite the headache I've given myself from all the eye rolling and scoffing under my breath I did during the read I don't feel compelled to voice my opinion. Then there are times, such as this obviously, where I feel the urge to verbally (through text I suppose) slap the face of the author of such an off-putting article.  I kind of don't even know where to begin to be honest. It seems so common sense that this women needs massive doses of counseling and STAT. I almost... ALMOST... feel sorry for her. Could you imagine spending a majority of your life tirelessly devoted to raising the most precious of gifts and building a home and a family with your blood, sweat, and tears only to regret it?  And to regret it based on what you feel you lost in monetary value and workplace status.  So, here is my contribution to the HuffPost, and to any other mother's who felt they had made the best decisions for their families and then read her article and had a momentary twinge in which they questioned whether they shouldn't have.

"One Reason I Wouldn't Change Being a Stay at Home Mom For All the Money and Career Status In the World"

1) What is best for my children is worth more than any prospect of employment, any paycheck no matter the value, and whatever skills of mine that may or may not have been refined along the way are not worth more than producing children who can be productive, successful, responsible, caring members of a society in which apparently all that matters is how valuable you are in the job market.

This is not to say that if there is a need in your family structure that you work and contribute financially to your household that you are shirking your duties as a parent.  I am a single mother of five, going to nursing school full-time, I work part-time jobs when I can in order to make ends meet, so I am far from an official stay-at-home-mom.  However, I was for a long while and my beef is with the claim that regret should stem from that privilege, and moreover the reasons for the regret are beyond superficial.


My job isn't to honor "those that came before me" and paved the way for women to dream and accomplish things equal to men; my job is to not let down the children and the women who come after me. Those women who are in the grave would probably roll over if they knew you were using them as an excuse to compare the value of raising a child to the value of job security.

Your degree is just a piece of paper.  You're really shortchanging your children if you compare a short 6-year-stint in an educational facility to your ability to drive them to their doctors appointments, their first baseball practice, or pick them up from school when they're sick in the middle of the day.

If your kids think you did "nothing" then you should feel hugely responsible for failing them in that lesson.  My children know the value of having a clean uniform when we get home from a game at 8:30 p.m. and they need to take it to school in the morning cause they have another game the following day.  They understand that I stayed up late and WORKED on laundry so that when they leave for school they have a clean, smell-good uniform in their bag.  They say thank-you without fail when I WORK to prepare a healthy meal for them or have snacks ready when they get home from school. My kids see first hand how much hard work it takes to run a home and raise children and grow a family and they would NEVER think I didn't have a job or that my job wasn't what a real job "looked like" - and that's because they know my job is the most important one on the face of this planet.

To be honest, I am not going to address every one of her nine reasons cause it makes me nauseous: she didn't get recognized or rewarded for her volunteer work?!?!?!  She became outdated? If her world narrowed it was because she was too narrow-minded to see the wonderful opportunities she had on the daily and in almost every encounter she had with people in her suburban world.  I don't buy her last paragraph in which she tries to claim she should have chosen to do both, let's face it, with an outlook like hers she would have failed at both.  The massive trading floor of the London bank she used to work at didn't miss her, it didn't suffer, and one cannot say in the same sentence you are grateful for time that you regret you had.  I will pray her boys' future wives have a more loving outlook on the value of raising children without the proverbial pat on the back she seems to need from a career.

Thankful to be we.

I think the moment you become a mother you no longer are just one person.  I think in the very first second that you are handed another life, a life you helped create and are now responsible for, you stop thinking as a individual and begin thinking as a collective.  These are my random stories as a collective.  Some of them are what you might call "ah-ha" moments that occur at the tail-end of a learning experience in which we can smile and realize that even if our world stopped in that next minute we would be satisfied that we had been successful in our roles as individuals and as parents.  There will be stories that almost brought me to my knees, sometimes actually physically to my knees.  I am sure many of you have been there in those moments where you find yourself wondering if you will find the strength to get up and if so from where, and if you do will your shattered heart ever beat the same.  Then there are the moments we live for, the moments that make the previous set all worth while - moments that are so full of joy and happiness you just know if you could bottle it up and sell it you'd be rich, and all those once broken pieces that despite the worst of odds you've managed to successfully piece back together are bursting at the seams with love and hope.  And lastly, the filler moments, the grey ones that are so mundane and repetitive you wonder how you remember them at all - but without them the value to all the others would be diminished so their value ends up being, in fact, equal.  Because they are all moments, which collectively, make me so very thankful to be me and we, and I hope my stories remind you to be thankful you are you and them.