I took a Love and Logic parenting class once, loved it! Huge help! Didn't agree with all of it so, like most things, took what was applicable and what worked for our family and did my best to incorporate it into my attempts at being a better parent. Now, let me establish this as well before I go on too much longer: I have amazing kids! They are hard working and thoughtful and loving. They are successful in school and have great friends. They are considerate of other people and are quick to go out of their way or make sacrifices for the benefit of someone else, even if it's a total stranger. I have an inkling God knew I was gonna need a great set of kids in their default state, cause I was gonna need all the help I could get!
So in all my attempts to better myself as a parent I have found the consensus to be that one of the biggest keys to parenting success is consistency. Consistency with disciple and love, rules and privileges, schedules, and most of all consequences. My biggest struggle with parenting has always been consistency. Go figure, right. I am a talker, my kids are naturally also talkers, and now that they are older (well even Abby, and she's only two!) they could, as my mom calls it when I do it, talk their way out of a wet paper bag. And I more often than not find myself changing my mind. I changed my mind with Shane a lot, too. Now I am not terribly irrational or hot headed, I like to think that I usually have a good reason for whatever my answer is to whatever the question is. I also don't claim to always be right, so when the need arises for me to admit I made a mistake and to make a different but better decision in my parenting, I am not above doing that. But here is the problem with extremely intelligent, articulate kids - they can sometimes pull one over on you. And with my increased daily load occurring right around their preteen years, the kids have been able to figure out times, reasons, and strategies for getting the answer they want.
At any rate, I have always done this thing with the kids when I have given them my answer and I'm done discussing it. I would give my answer and when they would try to speak I would calmly say, "Okay, Mom". This was their cue and their chance to repeat it back to me. I would say, "Okay, Mom." only twice and then there would be a consequence if they kept arguing/talking back. However, despite my best intentions, it was not a fool proof process. I think they felt not heard. I think, although I felt I had listened and considered both sides, that this thing we did was a bit of a dictatorship instead of a relationship. That was never my intention, of course. I just wanted to be done discussing it and this was my way of telling them I wasn't going to change my mind.
So there was a table tonight, the last table of my night. Five gentlemen, dirty, obviously hard working men, coming in to eat dinner just before closing. Three older guys and two younger guys. Nice, ordered only non-alcoholic beverages, talking ranching and farming and such. One of the older guys ordered his burger without a bun and a salad instead of fries and no croutons on his salad. This started the discussion of a gluten-free diet as he had celiac disease. This led to one of the other gentlemen asking if I had kids, cause I should be on the look-out for signs and symptoms. When I mentioned I had five kids they all practically spit out their food. They agreed they didn't think I looked old enough to have five kids, then they heard how old Shane was and started to seriously doubt me. I reassured them and told them their food was on the house for being so flattering!! I didn't do that! I need this job after all. ;) The rest of the evening went well. They were the last customers in the place and everyone was cleaning up. When I saw them get up to leave I met them at the door to wish them a nice evening and see them out. One of the guys approached me and said this, the best tip of my entire waitressing career:
"I am sure you are doing a great job at parenting. You seem like a good, hard-working woman to be working your way through school as a single mother of five. But if you don't mind I'd like to give you a bit of a advice and I hope you find it useful. I am a teacher at the college and if there is one thing you should remember it's to always stick to your word, don't go back on it, and be consistent in doing that. If they want to discuss something that you've already made a decision on, you say one or all of these three things: "Unless you have new information, I've made my decision." "Nevertheless, my decision still stands." or, "I appreciate your feedback, but this conversation is over now."Boy did that hit home!! I thanked him immensely and explained to him that that is one area I need to work on as I find myself caving in after only one or two "But, Moooom......"'s. And caving in is a lot easier to do when you really have no reinforcement around to notice the trend and to bring it to your attention. And I want consistency for my children. I want them to feel secure and know what to expect when it comes to me meaning what I say and saying what I mean. It shouldn't matter if I am tired or have a migraine, or if they ask me a question when I'm reading one of my texts books and I mumble hmmm and they conveniently interpret that as mmmhmmm and I won't have remembered (naturally), or if they ask me when I'm in a good mood or not - they should always be prepared to accept my answer because hopefully I will have displayed a consistent example of fair and open communication and when I give an answer they can rest assured I mean what I say.
So there's my goal for tomorrow in my continuing efforts at being a better parent.... and I mean it. ;)
1 comment:
Heather, You Go Girl! great job with taking in great advice and applying it to your kiddo's
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