It's almost 9:00 p.m. I'm exhausted - in every way possible. I probably shouldn't write when I'm feeling like this - at least not in a public blog at any rate. Yet, here I am. Mostly because I don't talk to the person I used to vent to anymore. And I don't feel comfortable calling anyone else up right now and venting. I shouldn't vent to anyone probably. Who wants to listen to that?? lol. He'd listen to me though. And then he'd tell me to get on with it. And make some rude joke that would make me laugh and roll my eyes. I rolled my eyes a lot. lol. Anyway...
I just finished some Physiology homework. And although I have a ton more to be working on I think I'm going to call it good for today on that. And even though I'd like to just go crawl in bed and have this day be over, not that tomorrow will be much better, I shouldn't. I think I'm going to take 2 Excedrin and clean for the next 3-4 hours. My house needs it. It was a hectic holiday weekend, this last weekend was, and boy am I behind, on everything.
I hate feeling so negative. As I sit here and think about what to type next nothing but bitching comes to mind. (Pardon the language Grammie.) There are these people that moved in above me. And they are delinquents. The cops have been here at least 4-5 times in the last month because of them. They are in gangs and deal drugs. Lovely, huh. I hate apartment living. I always thought of myself as a fairly tolerant person. Uhmmmm, I now know better. And it's not everyone. A few of the people are alright. But boy can one person ruin it for everyone. Then I hear myself complaining about it and I smack myself around a bit. I mean, criminy Heather, some people don't even have a roof over their heads. Let alone an affordable, brand new, 4 bedroom, 1300 sq ft. apartment with a pool and gym and club house. Then I remember what it was like to have a back yard for the kids. For them to be able to go out and ride their bikes whenever they wanted. To be able to lay in bed and not listen to what sounds like a herd of elephants doing the Irish jig on the dining room floor in tap shoes above me. To be able to walk out to my car in the driveway and not have 20 people staring at me. To be able to sit on the back patio and BBQ. Ugh. If my old life wasn't so morally unacceptable (and unsafe) I'd almost want it back sometimes - just for the kids' sakes. I go on and on about me being miserable here - but most of that stems from them being so miserable. And even deeper than that is the fact that I feel like I'm failing them. Like I'm disappointing them. They aren't spoiled brats by any means. And never do they say anything intentionally hurtful about our lives. But they do say things, innocently, accidentally even sometimes, that slice my heart open in an instant. I won't quote any of those things cause I'm already tearing up and I'm too tired to cry.
Well enough is enough I suppose. I'm being a stroppy cow. I need to pray about my attitude and just keep busy doing something everyday to get me closer to reaching my goals and bettering our life. Someday I'll be able to give my kids the things they need and want, let's just hope it's not when those things are dentures and hearing aids. :P
Oh, and never do I talk about this aspect of my life, with anyone for the most part. But I am honestly beginning to believe I will be single forever. And depending on when you ask me, I'm okay with it. But sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes... I'd like to not always have to be the strong one. I'd like to not always be the one who has to have the answers. Who has to reassure everyone else that it will be okay; we will be okay. I want to be reassured. But that's selfish. And I pride myself on being selfless. So that's all you'll hear me say on that topic.
Sometimes all we can do is chase pavements, even if they lead nowhere...
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