That's what I figured out - that I'm fragile. Part of me is anyhow. And I also realized that the sooner I make myself accept that and be okay with it, the easier hard times will be. Whenever things aren't going right or I feel overwhelmed, whatever the issues at hand are, they get magnified by the fact that I become so hard on myself for feeling overwhelmed or down. Instead of admitting to myself that I'm struggling with whatever (emotionally struggles, financial, physical... whatever) I get disappointed in myself and feel like a failure. There was point in time when I let myself cry. When I admitted I had needs. When I didn't feel like I had to carry the world on my shoulders. But in the last several years - since I've been on my own taking care of everything, I've walled the part of me off that is fragile and imperfect. That part that needs other people. I'm not cold by any means. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, not for one second. I just don't like feeling like a burden and inconveniencing people so I've become overly independent. And my coping mechanism has ALWAYS been denial so I just keep on keepin' on. I don't know if any of this is making sense at this point. I just know earlier today I told myself,
"Self, snap out of it. It's okay to stop and feel overwhelmed. Kicking your own ass because you feel like you're drowning and it's all your fault isn't going to get you anywhere. Self, pick your head up, know you're actually NOT invincible no matter how much you think you are or want to be and keep going, try harder, don't give up."
Well I was a bit more disgusted with myself when the conversation actually took place earlier, but that was the G-rated version. ;) And yes, I talk to myself from time to time. :P
Anyway, I decided to concern myself with today and let God worry about tomorrow.
"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."
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