I'm fragile.

That's what I figured out - that I'm fragile. Part of me is anyhow. And I also realized that the sooner I make myself accept that and be okay with it, the easier hard times will be. Whenever things aren't going right or I feel overwhelmed, whatever the issues at hand are, they get magnified by the fact that I become so hard on myself for feeling overwhelmed or down. Instead of admitting to myself that I'm struggling with whatever (emotionally struggles, financial, physical... whatever) I get disappointed in myself and feel like a failure. There was point in time when I let myself cry. When I admitted I had needs. When I didn't feel like I had to carry the world on my shoulders. But in the last several years - since I've been on my own taking care of everything, I've walled the part of me off that is fragile and imperfect. That part that needs other people. I'm not cold by any means. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself, not for one second. I just don't like feeling like a burden and inconveniencing people so I've become overly independent. And my coping mechanism has ALWAYS been denial so I just keep on keepin' on. I don't know if any of this is making sense at this point. I just know earlier today I told myself,

"Self, snap out of it. It's okay to stop and feel overwhelmed. Kicking your own ass because you feel like you're drowning and it's all your fault isn't going to get you anywhere. Self, pick your head up, know you're actually NOT invincible no matter how much you think you are or want to be and keep going, try harder, don't give up."

Well I was a bit more disgusted with myself when the conversation actually took place earlier, but that was the G-rated version. ;) And yes, I talk to myself from time to time. :P

Anyway, I decided to concern myself with today and let God worry about tomorrow.

"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."-Vincent Van Gogh

Little spitfire, she is.

I'm sure most of you who know me personally know exactly who I'm talking about by the subject matter alone. Yes, that'd be Miss Dion Marie. ;) She is 4 1/2 now going on a very sarcastic 12. Even worse for me is how incredible smart and quick she is. I'd like to go ahead and take credit for it... so I will. :) Anyway, recently we met someone and they say the word 'Dude' incessantly. Even though I'm slightly annoyed by it, we got used to it and unfortunately Dion actually began saying it from time to time. Anyway, there are probably a dozen times a day that I think to sit down and share a story with you guys about how entertaining she is. But it'd really be a full time job and by the time I come to sit down I've usually forgotten what it was. Anyway, on with the story...

So I'm in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and I hear the blinds on the patio door banging around. Not being able to see over the counter top I say, "Whoever's messing with the blinds needs to stop please." It's quiet for a second. Then I can see the blinds moving again. I move down the counter top so I can see over it and there's Dion, her back to me, messing with one of the slats on the blinds. I said, a bit more stern, "Dion, stop touching those please." She slams her hands down at her sides and says, in a VERY condescending voice, "I'm fixing dem, Dude! Stop lelling at me. Geesh!" (yelling, but she still has a speech inpediment at times despite 4 months of speech therapy.) I'm kinda speechless for a second at this point because she's kinda right. lol. So I say, "Ok, well thank-you. Next time just tell me that." She comes around the corner, comes up to me, and smacks me on the butt and say, "Otay Dude. I'll do dat den. Tate a chill pill, Dude." No, I'm not kidding you. That is PRECISELY how it went down.

OH MY GOSH WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HER!?!??! lol.

Why is there a snake in my living room??

So my place is surrounded by fields and I know there are snakes, but never should I be expected to anticipate one crawling onto my patio and into my living room from underneath my patio door. Ugh!

It was around 11 p.m. last night (yes, 12 hours later I'm still worked up over it!) and my kids had gotten to bed late. I was sitting at my desk in the living room attempting homework/playing mobsters instead (lol) and I got up from my desk to walk across the living room to the kitchen to get a drink and there it was, slithering across the rug almost to the kitchen floor. I scream, but of course!! And jumped back. Apppaaaarently THE SNAKE didn't appreciate ME startling it!! So he coils up and rears back like he's going to strike. Wteff ever dude... you're in MY HOUSE!! So I'm pacing in the living... trying to rack my brain on who the heck I'm going to call at 11 o'clock at night to come get a snake out of my house. Mind you had it been a rattle snake I'da died of heart failure almost instanteously. However, it was a black and white king snake. BIG though, lemme tell ya! Of course it could have been the size of a worm and it would have been too large to be in my house. So I have the phone in my hand and I'm standing on the ottoman and Lacey comes walking down the hallway to see why I screamed. Well shes sees it from the hallway and FREAKS out running back down the hallway. THEN the phone rings, while in my hand, and seeing as I'm on pins and needles as it is I end up practically hanging from the ceiling that's how high it made me jump. It was my mom, I answered it, "OH MY F*^ING GOSH, MOM!!" (Mind you for those of you who know me and my parents... uhmm cussing is NOT very common at all, lol.) I said, "THERE IS A SNAKE IN MY HOUSE!"

Anyway, I'm about to call the fire department or police or something cause I can't think of anyone shilverish enough to come save me from a snake at 11:00 at night. lol. Then I remember that the girl across the way from me has just recently started seeing this guy.. maybe he's there. But I don't want to lose sight of the snake. Then I noticed the snake was hanging a hard right into the kitchen... all I can think is NOOO, NOT UNDER THE FRIDGE or up into the cupboards. So I toss a sweater over the kitchen bar/counter from the living room onto the kitchen floor. Not only did it do the trick and turn him around but it pissed him off even more. I mean, I know the whole "Oh, he's just as scared of you as you are of him. And all he's trying to do is get away." Wellllllllllll, I call bullshit on this one cause this snake wanted a piece of anyone and anything. So he strikes at the sweater and turns around and goes toward the dining room. Which is acceptable to me cause there was really no place for him to hid in there and that gave me time to run across to the neighbors.

So I pound on her door, and I mean pound, "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!" with the end of my closed fist (the neighbor said later she coulda swore it was the cops, lol." She answers and before she can even say hi I interrupted her, "Is your boyfriend here?!??!" I said. lol. She's probably thinking, "What the heck do you want with my boyfriend at 11:00 at night??? lol. Well I saw it on her face so I followed it up with, "And is he afraid of snakes?? Cause there is a snake in my house and I REALLY need someone to get it out!" So she says, "Yeah, he's here and no, I don't think he's afraid of snake." So the guy gets up and they follow me back to my place. I open the door and point across the living room into the dining room and tell him that it's somewhere over there. Anyway, he picked it up and carried it out.

Needless to say I sat in my desk chair with my feet up for hours. I couldn't walk past the patio door without instant chills. Even now... grrrrrr...

Alright, that settles it. I need a man around the house. lol.